How to Use the Law of Detachment: Love & Relationships
Calling all codependent and anxiously attached people; mastering the law of detachment is the key to transforming your life. This simple act of awareness can make the difference between obsessing over being in control and being able to let go and feel at peace. Let's get into what it is and how to use it.
What is the Law of Detachment?
The law of detachment is the simple understanding that we are not in control of other people’s actions.
It's the idea that in order to manifest our desires that we have to release ourselves from the attachment to an outcome. When you let go in this manner, you no longer feel the compulsion to obsess over every detail when it comes to love and relationships.
This can be particularly difficult for someone with a codependent or anxious attachment style. Sometimes the desire to control is so strong that it is mentally overwhelming.
This doesn’t mean you can’t change. It takes around 30 days to create new habits and neural pathways in the brain, so all you need to do to master the law of detachment is practice.
When you take steps toward bettering yourself, you are strengthening your relationship to love and healing yourself of any attachment issues.
Anxious Attachment Style & The Law of Detachment
An anxious attachment style is characterized by a deep fear of abandonment. It’s rooted in insecurity, anxiety and a desire to feel needed by someone. When anxiously attach people think about their relationship, ex or a love interest it send their body into “fight or flight” mode which can wreak havoc on the mind and body.
Don’t judge yourself if this sounds like you; this attachment style is actually developed based on how your emotional needs were met as a child.
People with an anxious attachment style often come from homes where they lacked security, had inattentive or insensitive caregivers or simply lacked attention and connection.
This often leads to an obsessive compulsion when it comes to love and relationships. An anxiously attached person will constantly try to decipher how someone is feeling, thinking and acting in a relationship - so much so that it pushes the other person away.
When you practice detachment, you are focusing on self-healing and understand that you can't change people or things that don't serve you. This level of detachment will ultimately help you to objectively view situations and only accept what is best for you.
The Law of Attraction & the Law of Detachment
You may think that the law of attraction and the law of detachment are opposing principles, but they actually work hand-in-hand. The law of attraction is the basic principle that you attract whatever you focus your mind on.
Now, this doesn’t mean that if you’re obsessing over someone that you will attract them - it’s actually the opposite. The law of attraction states that “like attracts like”, so if you want to attract you have to feel as though you already have something.
When you obsess over something or someone you're signalling to the mind that you “lack something” and lack will attract more lack.
When you feel happy, secure and are unburdened by someone else's actions you are signalling happiness and security which will in turn attract more happiness and security.
How to Use the Law of Detachment
Heal Your Inner Child with Shadow Work
Seeing as though your attachment style is deeply linked to your childhood - this is the best place to start. Shadow work is an incredible tool that will help you to pinpoint why you fear abandonment and when you started feeling insecure about love.
It's a simple journaling technique that gives you prompts about your childhood to help you identify and heal parts of yourself that you aren’t aware of. Through this deep reflection you gain greater self-awareness which will make it easier to practice the law of detachment.
We’ve compiled 36 shadow work prompts for relationships and self-love that will help you to understand yourself a little better.
Focus on Self Care
The key to mastering detachment is to focus on yourself. This seems like a pretty obvious take, but it is extremely important.
Do things that make you feel happy and confident - prioritize your personal growth and healing. When your whole world revolves around the love of another person you are constantly signalling lack, worry, disappointment.
When you focus on things that make you feel happy you are attracting more happiness. Put yourself out there, try new things and distract the mind from compulsive thoughts.
Don’t Expect Someone To Change
There's a reason why the saying goes “expectation is the thief of joy”. Simply don’t have any. When you have a rigid idea in your head about how someone should behave, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You can’t expect this from anyone.
Obsessing over someone else’s behaviour doesn’t change them - it just stresses you out. When you focus inwardly and detach from expectations you gain more clarity on what you deserve and whether the person you’re interested can provide that.
Sometimes, they aren’t capable and other times it’s time to move on (we know this seems impossible at and is really difficult to accept - but you can do it!).
You can’t force someone to be who you want them to be - it has to ultimately be their decision. Detaching from this expectation will allow you the space to understand your emotions and what’s right for you.
Tips for the Law of Detachment
- Allow others to be who they are
- Allow yourself to be who you are
- Don't force situations
- Solutions will emerge when you least expect them
- Uncertainty is a reality
- Obsessing over something doesn't change it
- Embrace it
Mastering the law of detachment takes some practice. For those who have a codependent or anxious attachment style it can feel like the world is ending when love and relationships don't go your way. This is because you're triggering your "fight or flight" instinct as you obsess and ruminate on the actions of your love interest.
Being able to let go and detach from the situation will ultimately make you a stronger and more objective person. You'll be able to see if they're a good match for you based on their words and actions and not on your expectations.
Though it may take some time to get there practicing shadow work, self-care and leeting go of expectations will help you to ultimately transform your life.